Well, yesterday was an exciting day! It was my "special day" with Mama! How often does that happen? NEVER! She has always made a point to do things with each of the six grandkids individually; but when she and I are together, we are usually busy taking care of said grandchildren. BUT, yesterday was MY day! She and Daddy came up to see us when we weren't having a birthday party or celebrating a holiday. She had already talked to Daddy and made plans for us to have a day WITHOUT KIDS.
We went to lots of little antique shops and thrift stores searching for treasures. I found several frames & things to redo. We had lunch at a great places downtown (Maryville); and, then we went to Hobby Lobby so I could exchange some things. I ended up buying 14 frames and some other great stuff with my refund. Anyway, I came home and busted out the spray paint and got right to work. I had dinner ready in the crockpot before we left, but I really didn't care about eating; I just wanted to get started creating!
I feel a need to express the things that are in my head. The things that I see when I look at everyday objects that have lost their purpose or in people who are full of life and joy. The things that I thought everyone sees, but am coming to realize, they do not. I have a gift that I want to use, I'm scared to use; but I want to use. I feel it would be ungrateful to have been given a gift and not even attempt to pursue it.
But, I'm scared. Plan and simple, I am afraid that I will mess up, that what I do won't be good or as good as the next artist, writer or photographer. I fear my ideas are weird or dumb. I think that there is always someone else who has better ideas than me. I FEAR!
However, I KNOW that these are just lies. Lies that the enemy wants me to believe. Lies that I have believed. Lies that have stopped me. Stopped me from being who God created me to be. I see clearly where those lies crept in; but knowing how to remove those lies from my heart is not so clear YET. I remember days when I was a kid when I would draw 20 pictures in a day. Not just scribbles, but pretty good pictures. I remember winning poster contests and having a painting on display at a new hospital in my hometown. I remember my writing being published & thinking how neat it was to see my name in print in a book. I remember knowing at age 9 or 10 that I am supposed to write a book. I REMEMBER!
For so long, I have shut off a part of me. The part that makes me, ME. I was givien so much "junk" as a kid that I didn't know what to do with that I just held onto it. It became me. It consumed me. It nearly destroyed me. I pushed so much of me down deep inside because the "junk" was too heavy. I forgot who God created me to be. I became so empty and so full at the same time. BUT, I am starting to remember. I feel like I am just waking up from a really long nap. You know, how when you first open your eyes and you're not really sure where you are? Well, that's where I am. I am awake; but I'm not sure where I am. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do, where I'm supposed to go from this place I've ended up in. I feel something stirring inside of me. When I listen to Jake Hamilton sing, "wake up child, it's your time to shine, you were born for such a time as this", I feel like he is talking to me.
I AM scared; but I KNOW I can do it. I don't just believe IN God; I BELIEVE God! I know I have a purpose. I know I am good enough. I know that if I let Him, He will direct my path. I have always had favor and I'm sure that He has not forgotten me; He has been waiting for me. Looking back I realize that He was right beside me, coaching me through life, protecting me. I've longed to hear His voice; but now I realize that I always have, I just need to recognize it. I need to have confidence in myself and realize that it is okay to get things wrong, as long as I keep trying. I remember hearing someone say, the only way to truly fail is to never try.
So I'm gonna try. I'm gonna give it my all. I'm gonna dig deeper and try to remember the me that I once was...the me that He created me to be. I'm gonna try to get in the habit of taking time for myself. Time to jot down the ideas that come to me; to write, to draw, to paint, to create, to have fun. I don't really know how to have do any of those things, but I am going to try. Funny, as I write that, I hear my husband saying, "Do or do not. There is no try.". But, nonetheless, I AM going to TRY, harder than ever before.
I am in a new place. I have new understanding and new opportunities. I have people that love me and that want to help me. I have a desire to LIVE. I don't want to simply exist anymore. It's weird to think about what I want instead of what everyone else around me needs; but I know it's okay every now and then. My legs are shaky and I feel a little sick to my stomach just thinking about the next steps I have to take. My eyes get shifty when people ask me questions about me because I don't know the answers. I don't know me. So, if you're reading this, you must care a little bit about me. And, so here it is, right on the internet for the world to see, my heart, bruised and battered, but still beating.
I sat down to type a status about my "special day" with Mama, and ended up with this. So, it was a fun day, weird for me, hard for me, but fun. Words can't express how thankful I am for a mother-in-law that I love and that loves me. I NEED to create & she helps me so much just by believing in me (& pushing me to do it). Thanks you, Mama! Something she and her son have in common. They believe in me! They see something in me that I don't even see sometimes, and they care enough to tell me. I feel no shame in saying that I need all of the help that i can get. I need help learning to have fun, help standing, help taking those first steps into the unknown. If you just took enough time to read this, then consider this your open invitation to help me. (Now, I hear Don Potter singing, "gird up your loins and stand in this holy place".) So, if you want help as I try to stand up on these wobbly legs that had almost forgotten how to walk; I will gladly take your hand.
.
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
I Had A Dream!
I had a dream. All I really remember is being with Ruthie, with my head in her lap, her arms around me.
I remember laying on her couch so many times as a kid, with my head on those old red pillows in her lap. She was watching tv; I was pretending that I wasn’t sleepy. I was just going to “rest my eyes”. She would play with my hair or rub my forehead. Sometimes, she’d pretend to put “make-up” on me. I remember how soft her fingers were. She knew that I would be asleep in ten minutes or less, but she never said that. She just went on being Ruthie, loving me in all of my silliness, and let me stay there in total peace and rest.
TOTAL PEACE and REST. Those words seems so foreign to me now. I mean I have brief moments of peace, but rest, not so much. And, to have both. Wow. So many thought are rushing through my mind. How could I have forgotten this. How can I have this now? HOW?
How? Has become a recurring, frustrating theme for me lately. I know it shouldn’t be this difficult to do things. Especially things that I desire to do. But, sometimes it is. I have found myself desperately trying to trust God. Trying to do what everyone seems to tell me to do. Go climb up in His lap and let Him wrap His arms around me, let Him comfort me. Well, that is great. I WANT to do that. BUT, I DON’T KNOW HOW!!!
I got really mad at first, because I want to do that. I try so hard to do it. I did everything people keep telling me to do, but it just doesn’t seem to work for me. I don’t get it. Why? Why can’t I do it? Then, I realized that the problem, or at least part of it, was that I didn’t have an earthly father in my life. I didn’t grow up with a daddy that I could run up to and hug when he got home from work. I didn’t have a daddy to come rescue me when I got hurt. I didn’t have a daddy’s lap to sit in. I didn’t know how to have a daddy. I have a wonderful father-in-law who has shown me love for about eighteen years now; but as far as during my childhood, I didn’t have a loving father in my life.
So great, I’ve figured out WHY I don’t know how to do it; but now what? Does that mean tough luck for me. I’ll just never get it? Of course not, God would never do that to me or any of us. He loves us and wants a relationship with us more than anything. So how then? How can I learn how to do something so foreign to me? I want to cast all of my cares upon Him, I want to trust in Him. I want desperately to know Him and find rest in Him. So what do I do now?
Well, I wait. I wait for Him to show me how. Great! I have no control. I have no idea when this is going to happen. I can’t do it myself. Well, duh! Of course, not. How would that work? Any relationship that is one-sided is not going to be successful. If one person is putting more into the relationship, then eventually they will become bitter and resentful. Or maybe they’ll start to feel superior, like they’re the boss. Umm, yeah, that’s not what I’m looking for. So okay, this makes sense. I have to wait, as patiently as possible, for God to reveal this to me.
So, I’ve been waiting. It seems like forever ago, but I think it’s only been a month or so since I gave up. Ha ha. That’s hilarious. I love it when I type faster than I think, and realize that what I just thought was right on. I GAVE UP! I stopped trying to figure out how to do it. And, guess what? He has helped me. He gave me this dream!
You know, the dream that at first I thought I had because I miss my Ruthie so much. Yep, well, that dream wasn’t really just about a sweet childhood memory with her. I’ve been learning a lot about dreams lately; and I know that God used Ruthie in this dream for what she represents to me. TOTAL PEACE AND REST. LOVE. JOY UNSPEAKABLE. She represents God to me! And, now I know that even though I didn’t have a daddy’s lap to remember crawling up into. I had a Ruthie! It doesn’t matter that she is a woman or my great-aunt. God put her in my life and used her to teach me about HIM. His love through her has taught me so much! Why should that change now? He is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow.
So, now I’m excited. I have an experience to draw on. A memory that will help me know what it feels like to be in that place that I have tried so hard to get to. I feel like jumping up and down screaming, “I REMEMBER! I REMEMBER!!”. I know with out a doubt that God has been with me all along, talking to me, showing me things, preparing me. Even though my eyes weren’t totally open and I didn’t realize that it was Him at the time; I can remember!
I’ve been hearing “Remembering me, the me God created me to be”. I keep thinking that I need to blog, and then I think who would read it. Then, I think who cares if anyone reads it. It would help me sort out all of the things in my head, and maybe someone else would get something out of it, too. Anyway, so as much as I have avoided doing it. I guess that this is going to be the day that I start blogging. If nothing else, it will be my online journal. But, the best part is I will have a record or what God is doing in my life. My real life. Not some super spiritual ideal that people have in their heads of what a relationship with God is supposed to look like, but a real, raw, look at how it’s coming together for me.
So, right now, I give Him praise! I thank Him for His unending love and mercy! I thank Him for this dream!
*****“I see I AM, I see that I am LOVE, I see I AM, I know WHO I am.” was the song playing as I was laying there thinking about my dream.*****
.
I remember laying on her couch so many times as a kid, with my head on those old red pillows in her lap. She was watching tv; I was pretending that I wasn’t sleepy. I was just going to “rest my eyes”. She would play with my hair or rub my forehead. Sometimes, she’d pretend to put “make-up” on me. I remember how soft her fingers were. She knew that I would be asleep in ten minutes or less, but she never said that. She just went on being Ruthie, loving me in all of my silliness, and let me stay there in total peace and rest.
TOTAL PEACE and REST. Those words seems so foreign to me now. I mean I have brief moments of peace, but rest, not so much. And, to have both. Wow. So many thought are rushing through my mind. How could I have forgotten this. How can I have this now? HOW?
How? Has become a recurring, frustrating theme for me lately. I know it shouldn’t be this difficult to do things. Especially things that I desire to do. But, sometimes it is. I have found myself desperately trying to trust God. Trying to do what everyone seems to tell me to do. Go climb up in His lap and let Him wrap His arms around me, let Him comfort me. Well, that is great. I WANT to do that. BUT, I DON’T KNOW HOW!!!
I got really mad at first, because I want to do that. I try so hard to do it. I did everything people keep telling me to do, but it just doesn’t seem to work for me. I don’t get it. Why? Why can’t I do it? Then, I realized that the problem, or at least part of it, was that I didn’t have an earthly father in my life. I didn’t grow up with a daddy that I could run up to and hug when he got home from work. I didn’t have a daddy to come rescue me when I got hurt. I didn’t have a daddy’s lap to sit in. I didn’t know how to have a daddy. I have a wonderful father-in-law who has shown me love for about eighteen years now; but as far as during my childhood, I didn’t have a loving father in my life.
So great, I’ve figured out WHY I don’t know how to do it; but now what? Does that mean tough luck for me. I’ll just never get it? Of course not, God would never do that to me or any of us. He loves us and wants a relationship with us more than anything. So how then? How can I learn how to do something so foreign to me? I want to cast all of my cares upon Him, I want to trust in Him. I want desperately to know Him and find rest in Him. So what do I do now?
Well, I wait. I wait for Him to show me how. Great! I have no control. I have no idea when this is going to happen. I can’t do it myself. Well, duh! Of course, not. How would that work? Any relationship that is one-sided is not going to be successful. If one person is putting more into the relationship, then eventually they will become bitter and resentful. Or maybe they’ll start to feel superior, like they’re the boss. Umm, yeah, that’s not what I’m looking for. So okay, this makes sense. I have to wait, as patiently as possible, for God to reveal this to me.
So, I’ve been waiting. It seems like forever ago, but I think it’s only been a month or so since I gave up. Ha ha. That’s hilarious. I love it when I type faster than I think, and realize that what I just thought was right on. I GAVE UP! I stopped trying to figure out how to do it. And, guess what? He has helped me. He gave me this dream!
You know, the dream that at first I thought I had because I miss my Ruthie so much. Yep, well, that dream wasn’t really just about a sweet childhood memory with her. I’ve been learning a lot about dreams lately; and I know that God used Ruthie in this dream for what she represents to me. TOTAL PEACE AND REST. LOVE. JOY UNSPEAKABLE. She represents God to me! And, now I know that even though I didn’t have a daddy’s lap to remember crawling up into. I had a Ruthie! It doesn’t matter that she is a woman or my great-aunt. God put her in my life and used her to teach me about HIM. His love through her has taught me so much! Why should that change now? He is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow.
So, now I’m excited. I have an experience to draw on. A memory that will help me know what it feels like to be in that place that I have tried so hard to get to. I feel like jumping up and down screaming, “I REMEMBER! I REMEMBER!!”. I know with out a doubt that God has been with me all along, talking to me, showing me things, preparing me. Even though my eyes weren’t totally open and I didn’t realize that it was Him at the time; I can remember!
I’ve been hearing “Remembering me, the me God created me to be”. I keep thinking that I need to blog, and then I think who would read it. Then, I think who cares if anyone reads it. It would help me sort out all of the things in my head, and maybe someone else would get something out of it, too. Anyway, so as much as I have avoided doing it. I guess that this is going to be the day that I start blogging. If nothing else, it will be my online journal. But, the best part is I will have a record or what God is doing in my life. My real life. Not some super spiritual ideal that people have in their heads of what a relationship with God is supposed to look like, but a real, raw, look at how it’s coming together for me.
So, right now, I give Him praise! I thank Him for His unending love and mercy! I thank Him for this dream!
*****“I see I AM, I see that I am LOVE, I see I AM, I know WHO I am.” was the song playing as I was laying there thinking about my dream.*****
.
Right Flank
The image I keep seeing in my mind this morning is of me standing on the marching field. I'm in a block formation with all the other guard girls and band members doing drills. It's BAND CAMP!!! It's down to me and a hand full of others still marching. Forward march, left flank, march, right flank...I can't even remember all of the commands they used, but I remember being nervous because all of the people who had missed a command were sitting on the sidelines watching to see who would win. I remember being sweaty and tired and thinking that I couldn't do it. I was "just a guard girl"...I was just doing this because I had to. But, I wanted to win. I just kept going. I remember how hard it was to turn when they would throw several flanks at you in a row. How dizzy it made me feel. It was hard to do, but it was kind of fun, too. I remember being the last one standing!
I feel like this is a reflection of my life right now. I've been marching; waiting for the next command, for someone to tell me which way to go next. I'm tired, sweaty and nervous about who's watching me. I'm worried that I might turn left when I'm supposed to go right. I feel like I've been marching forever. I can feel the change in motion that is coming. I am listening intently for the next command. I am ready to pivot and head in the new direction; but I have to wait for it to be spoken.
I am overjoyed that change is almost here! I am thankful that I know that the one that is calling out my commands loves me and has my best interest in mind. He wants me to win more than I do! I am ready to hear, "right flank" and take that first step in a new direction! I can almost feel the relief that comes when you realize that you are the last one standing there...and then you hear the word "HALT", and you finally get to stop for a minute and rest.
Scriptures that came to mind while writing this were:
"In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths." Proverbs 3:6
"But let all those that put their trust in thee rejoice: let them ever shout for joy, because thou defendest them: let them also that love thy name be joyful in thee." Psalms 5:11
I feel like this is a reflection of my life right now. I've been marching; waiting for the next command, for someone to tell me which way to go next. I'm tired, sweaty and nervous about who's watching me. I'm worried that I might turn left when I'm supposed to go right. I feel like I've been marching forever. I can feel the change in motion that is coming. I am listening intently for the next command. I am ready to pivot and head in the new direction; but I have to wait for it to be spoken.
I am overjoyed that change is almost here! I am thankful that I know that the one that is calling out my commands loves me and has my best interest in mind. He wants me to win more than I do! I am ready to hear, "right flank" and take that first step in a new direction! I can almost feel the relief that comes when you realize that you are the last one standing there...and then you hear the word "HALT", and you finally get to stop for a minute and rest.
Scriptures that came to mind while writing this were:
"In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths." Proverbs 3:6
"But let all those that put their trust in thee rejoice: let them ever shout for joy, because thou defendest them: let them also that love thy name be joyful in thee." Psalms 5:11
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)