I Had A Dream!

I had a dream. All I really remember is being with Ruthie, with my head in her lap, her arms around me.

I remember laying on her couch so many times as a kid, with my head on those old red pillows in her lap. She was watching tv; I was pretending that I wasn’t sleepy. I was just going to “rest my eyes”. She would play with my hair or rub my forehead. Sometimes, she’d pretend to put “make-up” on me. I remember how soft her fingers were. She knew that I would be asleep in ten minutes or less, but she never said that. She just went on being Ruthie, loving me in all of my silliness, and let me stay there in total peace and rest.

TOTAL PEACE and REST. Those words seems so foreign to me now. I mean I have brief moments of peace, but rest, not so much. And, to have both. Wow. So many thought are rushing through my mind. How could I have forgotten this. How can I have this now? HOW?

How? Has become a recurring, frustrating theme for me lately. I know it shouldn’t be this difficult to do things. Especially things that I desire to do. But, sometimes it is. I have found myself desperately trying to trust God. Trying to do what everyone seems to tell me to do. Go climb up in His lap and let Him wrap His arms around me, let Him comfort me. Well, that is great. I WANT to do that. BUT, I DON’T KNOW HOW!!!

I got really mad at first, because I want to do that. I try so hard to do it. I did everything people keep telling me to do, but it just doesn’t seem to work for me. I don’t get it. Why? Why can’t I do it? Then, I realized that the problem, or at least part of it, was that I didn’t have an earthly father in my life. I didn’t grow up with a daddy that I could run up to and hug when he got home from work. I didn’t have a daddy to come rescue me when I got hurt. I didn’t have a daddy’s lap to sit in. I didn’t know how to have a daddy. I have a wonderful father-in-law who has shown me love for about eighteen years now; but as far as during my childhood, I didn’t have a loving father in my life.

So great, I’ve figured out WHY I don’t know how to do it; but now what? Does that mean tough luck for me. I’ll just never get it? Of course not, God would never do that to me or any of us. He loves us and wants a relationship with us more than anything. So how then? How can I learn how to do something so foreign to me? I want to cast all of my cares upon Him, I want to trust in Him. I want desperately to know Him and find rest in Him. So what do I do now?

Well, I wait. I wait for Him to show me how. Great! I have no control. I have no idea when this is going to happen. I can’t do it myself. Well, duh! Of course, not. How would that work? Any relationship that is one-sided is not going to be successful. If one person is putting more into the relationship, then eventually they will become bitter and resentful. Or maybe they’ll start to feel superior, like they’re the boss. Umm, yeah, that’s not what I’m looking for. So okay, this makes sense. I have to wait, as patiently as possible, for God to reveal this to me.

So, I’ve been waiting. It seems like forever ago, but I think it’s only been a month or so since I gave up. Ha ha. That’s hilarious. I love it when I type faster than I think, and realize that what I just thought was right on. I GAVE UP! I stopped trying to figure out how to do it. And, guess what? He has helped me. He gave me this dream!

You know, the dream that at first I thought I had because I miss my Ruthie so much. Yep, well, that dream wasn’t really just about a sweet childhood memory with her. I’ve been learning a lot about dreams lately; and I know that God used Ruthie in this dream for what she represents to me. TOTAL PEACE AND REST. LOVE. JOY UNSPEAKABLE. She represents God to me! And, now I know that even though I didn’t have a daddy’s lap to remember crawling up into. I had a Ruthie! It doesn’t matter that she is a woman or my great-aunt. God put her in my life and used her to teach me about HIM. His love through her has taught me so much! Why should that change now? He is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow.

So, now I’m excited. I have an experience to draw on. A memory that will help me know what it feels like to be in that place that I have tried so hard to get to. I feel like jumping up and down screaming, “I REMEMBER! I REMEMBER!!”. I know with out a doubt that God has been with me all along, talking to me, showing me things, preparing me. Even though my eyes weren’t totally open and I didn’t realize that it was Him at the time; I can remember!

I’ve been hearing “Remembering me, the me God created me to be”. I keep thinking that I need to blog, and then I think who would read it. Then, I think who cares if anyone reads it. It would help me sort out all of the things in my head, and maybe someone else would get something out of it, too. Anyway, so as much as I have avoided doing it. I guess that this is going to be the day that I start blogging. If nothing else, it will be my online journal. But, the best part is I will have a record or what God is doing in my life. My real life. Not some super spiritual ideal that people have in their heads of what a relationship with God is supposed to look like, but a real, raw, look at how it’s coming together for me.

So, right now, I give Him praise! I thank Him for His unending love and mercy! I thank Him for this dream!

*****“I see I AM, I see that I am LOVE, I see I AM, I know WHO I am.” was the song playing as I was laying there thinking about my dream.*****

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