My Special Day!

Well, yesterday was an exciting day! It was my "special day" with Mama! How often does that happen? NEVER! She has always made a point to do things with each of the six grandkids individually; but when she and I are together, we are usually busy taking care of said grandchildren. BUT, yesterday was MY day! She and Daddy came up to see us when we weren't having a birthday party or celebrating a holiday. She had already talked to Daddy and made plans for us to have a day WITHOUT KIDS.

We went to lots of little antique shops and thrift stores searching for treasures. I found several frames & things to redo. We had lunch at a great places downtown (Maryville); and, then we went to Hobby Lobby so I could exchange some things. I ended up buying 14 frames and some other great stuff with my refund. Anyway, I came home and busted out the spray paint and got right to work. I had dinner ready in the crockpot before we left, but I really didn't care about eating; I just wanted to get started creating!

I feel a need to express the things that are in my head. The things that I see when I look at everyday objects that have lost their purpose or in people who are full of life and joy. The things that I thought everyone sees, but am coming to realize, they do not. I have a gift that I want to use, I'm scared to use; but I want to use. I feel it would be ungrateful to have been given a gift and not even attempt to pursue it.

But, I'm scared. Plan and simple, I am afraid that I will mess up, that what I do won't be good or as good as the next artist, writer or photographer. I fear my ideas are weird or dumb. I think that there is always someone else who has better ideas than me. I FEAR!

However, I KNOW that these are just lies. Lies that the enemy wants me to believe. Lies that I have believed. Lies that have stopped me. Stopped me from being who God created me to be. I see clearly where those lies crept in; but knowing how to remove those lies from my heart is not so clear YET. I remember days when I was a kid when I would draw 20 pictures in a day. Not just scribbles, but pretty good pictures. I remember winning poster contests and having a painting on display at a new hospital in my hometown. I remember my writing being published & thinking how neat it was to see my name in print in a book. I remember knowing at age 9 or 10 that I am supposed to write a book. I REMEMBER!

For so long, I have shut off a part of me. The part that makes me, ME. I was givien so much "junk" as a kid that I didn't know what to do with that I just held onto it. It became me. It consumed me. It nearly destroyed me. I pushed so much of me down deep inside because the "junk" was too heavy. I forgot who God created me to be. I became so empty and so full at the same time. BUT, I am starting to remember. I feel like I am just waking up from a really long nap. You know, how when you first open your eyes and you're not really sure where you are? Well, that's where I am. I am awake; but I'm not sure where I am. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do, where I'm supposed to go from this place I've ended up in. I feel something stirring inside of me. When I listen to Jake Hamilton sing, "wake up child, it's your time to shine, you were born for such a time as this", I feel like he is talking to me.

I AM scared; but I KNOW I can do it. I don't just believe IN God; I BELIEVE God! I know I have a purpose. I know I am good enough. I know that if I let Him, He will direct my path. I have always had favor and I'm sure that He has not forgotten me; He has been waiting for me. Looking back I realize that He was right beside me, coaching me through life, protecting me. I've longed to hear His voice; but now I realize that I always have, I just need to recognize it. I need to have confidence in myself and realize that it is okay to get things wrong, as long as I keep trying. I remember hearing someone say, the only way to truly fail is to never try.

So I'm gonna try. I'm gonna give it my all. I'm gonna dig deeper and try to remember the me that I once was...the me that He created me to be. I'm gonna try to get in the habit of taking time for myself. Time to jot down the ideas that come to me; to write, to draw, to paint, to create, to have fun. I don't really know how to have do any of those things, but I am going to try. Funny, as I write that, I hear my husband saying, "Do or do not. There is no try.". But, nonetheless, I AM going to TRY, harder than ever before.

I am in a new place. I have new understanding and new opportunities. I have people that love me and that want to help me. I have a desire to LIVE. I don't want to simply exist anymore. It's weird to think about what I want instead of what everyone else around me needs; but I know it's okay every now and then. My legs are shaky and I feel a little sick to my stomach just thinking about the next steps I have to take. My eyes get shifty when people ask me questions about me because I don't know the answers. I don't know me. So, if you're reading this, you must care a little bit about me. And, so here it is, right on the internet for the world to see, my heart, bruised and battered, but still beating.

I sat down to type a status about my "special day" with Mama, and ended up with this. So, it was a fun day, weird for me, hard for me, but fun. Words can't express how thankful I am for a mother-in-law that I love and that loves me. I NEED to create & she helps me so much just by believing in me (& pushing me to do it). Thanks you, Mama! Something she and her son have in common. They believe in me! They see something in me that I don't even see sometimes, and they care enough to tell me. I feel no shame in saying that I need all of the help that i can get. I need help learning to have fun, help standing, help taking those first steps into the unknown. If you just took enough time to read this, then consider this your open invitation to help me. (Now, I hear Don Potter singing, "gird up your loins and stand in this holy place".) So, if you want help as I try to stand up on these wobbly legs that had almost forgotten how to walk; I will gladly take your hand.

.